“And so God has made possible for you and me this blessing, a change in our very natures.” What an incredible blessing a change so profound that it effects our very nature. What could possibly effect such a change. The year was 1989 and these words were spoken as part of an address in the October General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints by Elder Henry B. Erying who was at that time a member of the presiding bishopric of the church. The subject of his talk was “Remembrance and Gratitude”.
There was another promise made in that same discourse that effected me profoundly. The two promises are related. He said, “You can have an experience with the Holy Ghost today.” That statement struck me profoundly because at that time I was suffering from clinical depression and had not felt the Spirit for some time.
My first response was not to be happy or hopeful but to be angry. How could he stand up in front of millions of people and make such a promise. He did not know me or my situation or the situation of countless others who perhaps weren’t even members of the church or any church for that matter. How did he know if his listeners even believed in God? Still somewhere deep inside me there still burned the desire to believe. I did not understand how he could make such a promise. I did not see how it could be true. But I did, in the words of Alma , “desire to believe” (Alma
We had recorded the conference and I played the video of Elder Eyring’s address over and over. I studied and committed to memory the words, the inflection, the way he mounted the podium and the movement of his hands and head as he spoke. I wanted to believe that such a thing was possible. I wanted to feel the Spirit again in my life. I wanted a change in my very nature.
Being able to feel the Spirit was so important to me because of an earlier experience I had with a conference address of the late President Spencer W. Kimball. The year was 1975. I was at that time the mother of four small children. Both my husband and I were strong and active in the church. I was the Primary President and my husband was the Elder’s Quorum President in our ward. But something was wrong. I could not honestly approach my neighbors and encourage them to join the church because I was not happy. I reasoned that I was doing everything I could think of to live the gospel and keep the commandments so either I was “wrong” or the church was wrong. I needed to know.
In President Kimball’s address he had listed a number of things he hoped the saints were doing. I thought I was doing pretty well according to the list until he got to the part about personal scripture study and keeping a journal. I determined to begin and was surprised as the weeks progressed that I was able to feel the Spirit so strongly in my little private study time. It felt just like a good church meeting and yet I was all alone with the Lord.
It was then that an idea occurred to me that would change my life. I determined to see how I could keep Spirit with me as I moved into my daily chores. The first task was to see if I could wake up my family without losing the Spirit. That took about two weeks to accomplish. I found that the Spirit would withdraw if I thought or said or did anything that offended the Lord. The things that offend the Spirit and cause it to withdraw are listed in D&C 121:37. They are covering our sins, satisfying our pride and vain ambition and exercising compulsion or dominion over the souls of men in any degree of unrighteousness. Over time I learned from my own experience that when the Spirit left I had done something that fit into one of these three categories. The Spirit withdrew if I attempted to cover my sins by blaming my children, spouse or others for things I was really responsible for like creating order in my life and making adequate preparation. The Spirit withdrew if I attempted to satisfy my pride and vain ambition by trying to “look good” to the person sitting behind me at church rather than focusing on what the Spirit was directing me to do with my children. The Spirit also withdrew if I attempted to compel obedience. I knew, of course, that compelling people to be good was Satan’s plan in the beginning but sometimes it was so tempting.Eventually I did learn to wake my family without losing the Spirit and to move through breakfast, family prayer, scripture study, getting dressed, brushing teeth and daily chores. Those years were the best years with the fondest memories of my life and yet when I heard Elder Eyring’s talk I was depressed…virtually without hope. I knew, however, that if I could feel the Spirit – if I could “have an experience with the Holy Ghost today” – as Elder Eyring promised then I could begin again. I could start the process of sorting out with the Spirit what was right and wrong. Perhaps only those who share the experience of clinical depression can understand how things that once seemed so clear like right and wrong could come to seem so confusing and hopeless.
Elder Erying said that the key was gratitude. He said that the Lord teaches us by our experience. He encouraged us to look for a touch of the Lord’s hand in our own experience and then return thanks to him for his goodness. He promised that if we would do that the truth of what we recognized as the Lord’s hand in our lives would be confirmed by the power of the Holy Ghost. He also said that the Holy Ghost would bring to our remembrance other evidences of the Lord’s hand in our lives. If we chose to return thanks for the new remembrance the confirmation of the Spirit would be repeated. Elder Eyring was right. It was a slow process for me but finally through the darkness of despair the truth of the Lord’s hand in my life broke through with illuminating light. This did not happen just once but became a pattern, a process that eventually led me out of the depression. It also led me to an understanding about the biological, social and psychological aspects of mental illness. Spiritual understanding was the first great key for me which eventually led me to discover other knowledge.
Interestingly the pattern Elder Eyring helped me recognize is the same pattern which is evident in Nephi’s lament after the death of Father Lehi. Many of us may have wondered at Nephi’s exclamation as recorded in 2 Nephi 4:17. Nephi is the hero, the strong one, the leader and now he records, “Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am!” No, Nephi is not mentally ill although those who have experience depression might recognize the pathos in his words. Depression is a natural part of the grieving process. Father Lehi’s death besides creating the normal feelings we know to be part of loss also brought to a head Nephi’s conflicts with his older brothers. Laman and Lemuel claimed leadership of the family because of birth order and yet, Nephi, the fourth son, because of personal righteousness had been given the birthright blessing. In 2 Nephi 4:18-19 Nephi continues his lament. “I am encompassed about, because of the temptation and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins…” It is at this point that Nephi begins to follow the pattern I learned from Elder Eyring. He starts to remember and recount past evidences of the Lord’s hand in his life. 2 Nephi ends with Nephi saying …nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.”
The following verses start to recount his remembrance of the Lord’s hand in his life beginning in the wilderness. “My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh, He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me” (2 Nephi -22).
Remembering his enemies renews the struggle in verses 26-27. “O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
To the natural man in all of us the answer is obvious. Nephi’s brothers have repeatedly tried to kill him. That might explain why he is angry. Nephi’s lament, however is spiritual. He knows his only strength is in the Lord not in his own power or ability. He enjoins his own heart to “rejoice” and “cry unto the Lord”. “O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yes, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.” (2 Nephi 4:30) He concludes, “O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yes, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm” (2 Nephi ). His final expression of trust parallels the verse in James 1:5 that led Joseph Smith to the Sacred Grove. “Yes, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yes, my God will give me if I ask not amiss; there I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen” (2 Nephi ).
This then is how the “change in our very nature” happens. Not by our own strength but through our trust in the Lord which is renewed as we recognize and give thanks for his blessings. Each time we choose to remember and thank the Lord for his influence in our lives the Spirit comes which both bears witness of truth and brings other blessings to our remembrance. As we thank the Lord for that which we now remember the process repeats itself over and over enlightening our minds, and filling our souls with joy. Our hope is not in our own strength but in the Lord’s power in the face of our weaknesses.
King Benjamin expressed it this way “…even so I would that ye should remember and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures…” King Benjamin does not want us to despair because of our weaknesses but to trust in the Lord whose greatness and goodness strengthens us and sustains us despite our weaknesses. He continues, “and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel.” The “mouth of the angel” spoke of redemption of Jesus Christ (Mosiah 3:3-27). The power of God is greater than our sins and weakness. Because of his greatness he can redeem us. Because he is good, he desires to redeem us. The Savior bought us with a great price. He suffered that we might not suffer.
He has descended below all things and is in and through all things and he knows how to succor his children. I have had occasion to talk to people in many different situations about their belief in a Higher Power. I have asked people who have never heard of the church or its teaching, people who are caught in sin, people who are in despair and suffering. These people have shared with me evidences of the Lord’s hand in their lives. I have learned that what Elder Eyring said is true. Remembrance of the Lord’s blessings combined with expressions of gratitude brings the witness of the Holy Ghost. This can happen to anyone in any circumstance. This can happen today or any day for all of us. The influence of the Spirit bears witness of the Father and the Son and will eventually lead the honest in heart to a knowledge of the power of the redemption. It begins as a shift in perception, a shift from a focus on our own strengths or weaknesses, errors, trials and suffering to a remembrance of and gratitude for the goodness and greatness of God. The Holy Ghost bears witness of truth of the Lord’s hand in our lives which produces faith unto repentance. The change in our nature happens the only way it can, through the power of the redemption. The redemptive process happens whether our agony results from our own sins or from sins committed against us or from some combination of both. The Savior suffered not only for our sins but also for our sorrow. Mourning turns to rejoicing.
Gratitude for this process produces a change in heart. We no longer desire to do evil but to do good continually. We are filled with hope and perfect love (Moroni
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